#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC FULL#
#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC PROFESSIONAL#
#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC FREE#

If someone was willing to take the precision of a game like FIFA and apply it to the penis-based sport that I love, it would be the best game I’ve ever played.

#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC FREE#

Free Lives and Devolver Digital could have had something really special in their hands to play with, but instead they’re just jerking us around with this joke game that has nothing to do with the real Genital Jousting.

Ultimately, it is just disappointing to see. This is not what my sport has ever looked like and the challenges of this game do not represent the very complex challenges I face in my real life, such as evading the law, bruises in my pelvic region, and strategizing my run to perfectly place my erect penis into my opponent in order to knock them down. The single player story is completely unrelatable to someone who ACTUALLY (genital) jousts in the REAL WORLD because I feel no connection to this complete fantasy. How can you joust genitals with a floppy piece? It would be like if you participated in non-genital Horse Jousting with pool noodles! It’s absolutely ridiculous and insulting. Most importantly, though, the penises in the real life sport of Genital Jousting are ALWAYS erect. This type of formation may be common in Genital Jousting afterparties but would NEVER be seen in an actual competition. They’re not just roaming around on their own in little costumes. There are also quite notably humans (and in one occasion, a very intelligent dog) attached to these penises. I’m willing to let artists take artistic liberties, but in real life, Genital Jousting is not bright and colorful - it is played primarily in a field, in the dark of night so as to not alert authorities. First of all, aesthetically, the game is all over the place. This is my life and I was excited to see it brought to the masses in the form of video games.īut the Devolver game Genital Jousting seems to take absolutely no inspiration from the real life sport played by dozens worldwide, aside from the inclusion of penises. And my family has been participating internationally in this sport for nearly 200 years! I take Genital Jousting very seriously, as all competitors do, which is why I’m known around the world as The Stinger, for my extremely small, but powerful, penis that my enemies find difficult to take down. It’s extremely intense and strategic - it requires the jouster to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, and penisly.

#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC FULL#

It’s a very passionate sport that involves two penised-people, fully erect, charging at each other at full speed, trying to knock their foe onto the ground. The real life Genital Jousting isn’t some colorful joke. I was quickly dismayed, however, to discover that the game fails to capture the aspects of the real sport of Genital Jousting in any way.

#GENITAL JOUSTING MAC PROFESSIONAL#

That’s why, as a professional Genital Jouster, I was extremely excited to discover that, in 2018, developer Free Lives and publisher Devolver Digital released a video game based on my beloved pastime called Genital Jousting. From Madden to FIFA, I love how video games recreate the feeling of playing a sport in the digital world, translating each and every nuance into something everybody can enjoy. To compare this to last year (as in the whole of 2017), looky- here.As a gamer and an athlete, my favorite genre of video games is sports games.

Here we go - and if you want to read any of our coverage on any of these, just click the tag in question below.

As such, anything under 'Platinum' almost certainly generated unfathomable wealth, while those under Bronze paid off a fair few mortgages.

Valve don't give out any sales details, because they never do ( information control is everything), but they do split the overall bestsellers into categories. Good work Genital Jousting, Into The Breach ( how did that not make the overall best-sellers list? Scandal!) and Monster Prom, for example. The more interesting page for those of us whose jaws remain defiantly stuck to the rest of our faces in response to the news that a lot of people bought Plunkbat, CSGO and GTA V is this one, which breaks down by month which bona fide 2018 new releases sold best. The complete list is below, or you can find a more visual galley, replete with buy me-buy me-buy me Steam store links over here. It's a list dominated by pre-2018 names, to be frank, a great many of which you'll be expected, but there are a few surprises in there.Ģ018 releases Jurassic World Evolution, Far Cry 5 Kingdom Come: Deliverance and Warhammer: Vermintide II are wearing some spectacular money-hats, for example, while the relatively lesser-known likes of Raft, Eco and Deep Rock Galactic have made themselves heard above the din of triple-A marketing budgets. We've just passed the half-way point of 2018, so Ian Gatekeeper and all his fabulously wealthy chums over at Valve have revealed which hundred games have sold best on Steam over the past six months.

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